In our first month, he was the one paying for our bills. Even my own ice cream, siya pa rin. Of course, I’m not used to that kind of treatment since I was used getting my cravings satisfied from my own pocket. I became shy and started to shell out money and paid for our bills. I twice volunteered to pay for the gas, P400 and P300. Even in cinemas and for our snacks, I was the one paying. Ah yes, he once paid for our cinema. Everytime that we’ll go out for dinner, I was the one paying for it and he’ll buy drinks for the both us. He seldom shell out money for dinner. It’s funny because my friends and family knows how kuripot I am and how generous I am for myself, but here it goes. I bought him a shirt in Uniqlo just because I know it’s his favorite character and I wanted to make him happy. Everytime that he’s coding, we do ride Uber and use my card for the payment. Surprisingly, “Ikaw magbayad ng car park ah”. It was totally fine with me. Believe me. I don’t count things kasi or nanunumbat. Hate na hate ko yung sumbatan. I’m the type of person na give it all talaga. The finance thing is not an issue for me after all.
July 8, we went out. He waited for me for an hour because I still have class. I said sorry naman but he was so grumpy. He said he wanted to eat in Gudo because he wanted to have steak for late lunch. I don’t feel like eating steak at that time but I said, okay since I made him wait. Yes, I paid for the bill because he forget his money at home daw. So went to his house after to get his money. We went to Cubao after because I want churros from Taco Bell. We passed by Showpise and he saw a pastillas brand. He was insisting me to buy him the pastillas that costs around P290. Sabi ko naman, masyadong mahal for just a pastillas. He said “P400 nga yung mas malaki eh, mas mura na nga yung pinapabili ko”. I swear uminit talaga ulo ko.
He started saying things like “Malapit na monthsary natin, gift mo na sakin yun”. We both don’t like celebrating monthsaries. Sinasabi niya na ilang beses na raw niya akong binigyan ng cupcakes eh magkano daw yun samantalang ako, t-shirt pa lang daw. Siya na daw nagbabayad ng gas tas driver ko pa daw siya. Hinihintay pa daw niya ako, hatid sundo kaya tipid na daw ako sa pamasahe ‘cos I don’t have to commute. Ang dami dami niyang sinasabi. To the point na I realized na ay shet sinusumbatan na niya ako. Nakakainit ng ulo but I tried to keep calm. I treated him na lang his favorite halo-halo which is way cheaper but he was still grumpy. I remained silent habang siya hindi parin tapos sa kakasumbat.
I knew in myself that I was about to burst out in tears but I was strong enough not to. We were so quiet inside the car going to Maginhawa to buy ice cream. I was asking kung gusto niya because I usually share my ice cream with him and he said no. Sobrang bigat sa feeling dahil I’m giving too much na ata hindi ko gets kung bakit ganito yung bumabalik sa ‘kin. It’s really painful in all levels I swear.
Sobrang sad kasi he is making me accountable for his actions and all the things he’s giving me. Hindi niya na-rerealize na I’m giving too much and I never complain because I just want him to feel special and spoiled. Never ako nagsumbat and this is what he did to me. Sobrang sakit dahil ganun pala yung tingin niya sakin. Na kailangan ko laging pantayan yung mga efforts niya. Hindi ba dapat hindi nagbibilangan and hindi nagkwekwentahan? Ako kasi, nagbibigay ako kasi deserve niya. Pero siya kaya? Binibigay niya ba yun dahil deserve ko or dahil nag-pay back lang siya?
It’s been just a few months, and I’m lost. I’m lost with my emotions. I think I’m confused. I am getting hurt.
I’m trying my very best to hold on. But believe me when I say, I’m so close at it.